I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Randomize
