Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
