I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize