i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
tell me about the eggs
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
