somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
