Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
