Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize