no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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