Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize