Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
