Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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