i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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