Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
