Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
