I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
