Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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