I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
