I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
