Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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