i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
