Betty ford says i'm here all night
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
