I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
