I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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