I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
