What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
