You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
