I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
The air taste purple.
Randomize
