If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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