somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
