My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
