so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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