I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
