i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
You made out with two different species that night
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Randomize
