bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
