Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
