I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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