70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
