How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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