I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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