dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
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