ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
My life is pants optional.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
