My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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