how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
