update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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