I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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