I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Sorry my hands just texted you
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Randomize
