Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Just high enough for therapy.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
