i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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