I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Randomize
