the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
