...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
