I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
