I am spending my child support on dildos
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
