He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
