he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
