My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
