we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
