I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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