Got a toothbrush?
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
