wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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