I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
